Chapter 23

Alex’s jaw dropped open before snapping shut again.

He knew he was being completely ridiculous for getting flustered over a single word when he had already been caught doing something infinitely more shameful, but he genuinely felt like his brain was going to melt.

While Alex was lost in his spiraling panic, Nathan gently tugged their connected hands, leading him directly into the bubble tea shop. The fact that he hadn’t even wanted boba in the first place, or his desperate need to suggest dinner, had been completely wiped from his mind. Every single ounce of his awareness was violently funneled into the hand currently trapped in Nathan’s grasp.

The shop was relatively busy. Standing rigidly in line, Alex frantically searched the room for absolutely anywhere else to look before finally, cautiously turning his head back to Nathan.

“…Do people kiss on dates?”

His voice was so quiet it was practically a whisper. Nathan let out a soft, breathy chuckle at the question. A lazy, devastatingly beautiful smile slowly bloomed across the Beta’s lips.

“People kiss even when they aren’t dating.”

“…Right.”

When he actually thought about it, every single party he had ever attended was saturated with kids their age making out. Even though he had personally witnessed people sneaking in alcohol with fake IDs, or disappearing into empty bedrooms to do things vastly more intense than kissing, the reality still felt completely alien to him.

“Have you?”

As they finally reached the front of the line, Nathan glanced briefly at the menu board. Instead of answering the question, Nathan turned his gaze back to Alex, seamlessly deflecting the inquiry with one of his own.

“What do you want to drink?”

I guess it’s an uncomfortable question. The heart that had been hammering wildly against his ribs slowly began to calm. Of course it is. It was a deeply private question, and Nathan was notoriously guarded about his personal life.

“I’ll just get milk tea with tapioca pearls. What about you?” Alex deflected smoothly.

“I’m fine,” Nathan declined.

Before Alex could even reach for his wallet, Nathan smoothly tapped his own debit card against the reader. The transaction happened with such speed that Alex didn’t even have time to protest. He stared at Nathan in blatant shock.

“I’ll pay for it.”

“Why?”

“Because…”

Because I’m the Alpha. That was the very first, deeply ingrained response that flared in his mind. It was the stereotypical, fundamental expectation placed entirely on Alphas: they had to be dominant, they had to excel at everything, and they at least had to be exceptional at something.

However, presenting that archaic logic to Nathan felt entirely useless and unconvincing.

“Because I want to buy it for you,” Alex mumbled shyly.

The drinks were ready almost instantly. Taking the straw, Nathan offered a quiet word of thanks.

“Then you can buy the next one,” Nathan suggested softly.

“…Okay.”

At the incredibly docile, obedient reply, Nathan glanced up at him. Giving their connected hands a gentle tug, Nathan signaled it was time to leave. Alex obediently trailed behind the Beta as they stepped back out onto the street.

Still refusing to let go of his hand, Nathan cleanly punctured the plastic seal of the cup Alex was holding.

“Thanks.”

Muttering the quiet gratitude, Alex awkwardly dipped his head down to take a sip of the boba. Because he was so blindingly hyper-aware of the hand trapped in Nathan’s grip, he couldn’t taste a single drop of the drink.

They walked in silence for a long time. As they navigated through the narrow, winding alleys leading toward Soho, they eventually hit a red light. While waiting for the signal to change, Nathan finally broke the silence.

“I have. Kissed someone.”

Ah. Alex blinked rapidly.

“Of course you have.”

It had been a genuinely stupid question. Hearing the actual confirmation sent a bizarre, uncomfortable wave of turbulence crashing through his chest. He must have kissed Jessica Bundy plenty of times. The highly unwelcome, graphic image flashed through his mind. The hand trapped in Nathan’s grasp twitched involuntarily.

“Have you?” Nathan asked.

He possessed absolutely zero memories of even sharing a simple peck with anyone. Yet, too profoundly embarrassed to admit his total lack of experience out loud, Alex hesitated for several agonizing seconds.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Do you want to?”

His throat went bone-dry. Even though he knew with absolute certainty that Nathan wasn’t asking the question in that context, the implications still sent his mind spiraling.

“Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?” Alex hedged weakly.

“With an Omega you’re dating?”

It was only then that the horrifying reality of what they were actually doing slammed back into Alex’s mind. They were merely executing a mock date.

He dropped his gaze, staring blankly down at their connected hands. This must mean absolutely nothing to Nathan.

“I don’t know. I’m just terrified I’ll be terrible at it,” Alex confessed miserably.

To that specific fear, Nathan offered a remarkably blunt, factual reassurance.

“Everyone is terrible their first time.”

The intrusive thoughts that had been relentlessly nagging at the back of his mind violently resurfaced. Who did Nathan share his first kiss with? What was Nathan like during his first kiss? And what is he like now?

The lingering feelings he had so desperately tried to crush had violently, terrifyingly expanded the absolute second Nathan touched his hand.

“Then… wouldn’t the other person hate it?”

Viciously suppressing the desperate urge to ask every single question burning in his mind, Alex barely managed to force out a pathetic response. In response, a low, melodic chuckle slipped from the Beta. Shocked by the entirely unexpected laughter, Alex’s head snapped up violently.

“What? What is it?” Alex demanded, his voice shaking wildly.

Right as he spoke, the pedestrian signal finally flipped to green. Shaking his head slightly in amusement, Nathan stepped off the curb, pulling the Alpha along with him. Their hands remained firmly locked together.

“Nothing, just…” Nathan trailed off.

“Did I make a mistake?”

“It’s not that.”

Alex nervously scrambled to match the Beta’s pace. Glancing back over his shoulder at the hesitating Alpha, Nathan’s eyes crinkled into a breathtaking, radiant smile.

“You’re cute.”

Alex’s eyes blew wide open. For a paralyzing second, he genuinely couldn’t process the words that had just hit his ears.

“Me?”

“Yeah. Your reactions are cute.”

Nathan didn’t stop walking. The body anchored to the hand trapped in the Beta’s grip was helplessly, inevitably pulled forward. It was terrifyingly unstoppable, happening over and over again, even as he desperately screamed at himself that Nathan’s words meant absolutely nothing.

“So there’s absolutely no way anyone could ever hate you,” Nathan added softly.

The only thing Alex Yeon could successfully execute was being hopelessly, irrevocably drawn to Nathan White.

The mock date stretched on for another three grueling hours. Once they crossed into the bustling alleys of Soho, they finally migrated to an arcade. That was when Nathan finally let go of his hand.

They played a light-gun shooter game in the arcade located directly across from the massive row of clubs, right next to Princi. Typically, Alex absolutely dominated these kinds of games, but because his mind was entirely, blindingly focused on everything else, his character was rapidly and brutally slaughtered.

After the remarkably anticlimactic arcade session, they moved on to play billiards. They played about three rounds on a slanted, damaged table in the basement of a casino that was somehow even lower quality than standard pool hall tables.

It was vastly different from their usual dynamic. Unlike in the past when he had played ruthlessly to win, Nathan actually graciously granted Alex two do-overs when the Alpha accidentally sank the eight-ball mid-game.

Everything about Nathan today felt so incredibly familiar, yet profoundly, terrifyingly different. The way he willingly held his hand, the way he proactively paid for their drinks, and the devastatingly beautiful smiles he kept flashing.

If anyone asked him exactly what he had learned from this practice date, he wouldn’t be able to provide a single answer. Because the horrifying truth was, he didn’t want to do any of this with anyone other than Nathan. Today, more than ever before, that agonizing reality had been brutally cemented into his soul.

As the time to finally go home rapidly approached, the greedy, desperate desires he had failed to suppress violently chained themselves to Alex’s ankles. He desperately didn’t want to say goodbye. Even though he knew he had only displayed his most pathetic, clumsy flaws instead of acting cool, the agonizing realization that he wouldn’t be able to see this version of Nathan again after today made it nearly impossible to breathe.

He knew. He knew with absolute, terrifying certainty that Nathan would never, ever accept his feelings. When he had delivered that botched, cowardly confession, Nathan had explicitly apologized. There was no rejection more definitive or brutal than that.

“Hey, Nathan.”

So, please, can’t we just do this one more time?

“If it’s really okay with you…”

Just one more time…

“Could you please help me out again?”

I want you to let me keep living in this delusion.

Before they descended the stairs of the station where they had first met up, Alex forced the desperate question out. Nathan stared at him in complete silence. The evening breeze, sweeping in from a sky painted in the fiery, burnt orange of sunset, gently rustled their hair.

I pushed it too far.

Terrified by the heavy silence, Alex immediately opened his mouth to retract the request, but the answer finally arrived.

“Okay.”

It was a low, impossibly gentle affirmation. It was yet another devastatingly soft tone he had never heard from the Beta before.

A violent, chaotic surge of confusion exploded in his mind. Nate, are you honestly still just practicing with me?

Even though he had desperately begged for it, actually securing Nathan’s permission only plunged his mind into deeper chaos. Nathan had readily accepted a proposal Alex was entirely certain he would reject.

Staring at the Beta with desperate, confused eyes, Alex frantically tried to decipher exactly what the boy was thinking behind that flawless, unreadable mask. Yet, no matter how hard he tried…

“Let’s do that,” Nathan agreed softly.

…He genuinely couldn’t figure out the reason.