Chapter 31

Alex stayed up all night racking his brain for an answer. Of course, that wasn’t the only reason sleep eluded him.

The tickling sensation that had spread across the back of his hand felt so agonizingly unfamiliar that Alex spent the rest of the movie sitting as rigidly as a statue. As he stared blankly ahead, the words Nathan had whispered spun dizzily through his head thousands of times. Afraid he might make a slip of the tongue if they made eye contact, Alex had awkwardly stood up after the movie and waited obediently in front of Nathan’s older brother’s room, where he had slept last time.

“What are you doing there?”

“I’m going to sleep here…”

“No.”

Nathan rejected Alex’s request with a firm tone entirely unlike his previous demeanor. Pointing definitively toward his own bedroom, he stared down at the flustered boy.

“Sleep with me. I’m letting you stay over, aren’t I?”

Putting on a pitiful expression, Alex attempted a timid rebellion. “Can’t I just sleep out here?”

“No. I’ll be bored.”

Shot down instantly. As Alex constantly realized, whenever Nathan truly wanted something, he never yielded.

“Okay…”

There was no way he could reject Nathan twice, so Alex eventually found himself dragged into Nathan’s room, hesitating with every step. Although he had been here before, his heart pounded with an intensity that completely eclipsed his previous visits.

The subtle scent and lingering traces of Nathan permeating the room set his nerves on edge. The rumpled sheets bearing the imprint of where he slept, the scattered books, the bag, all of it. Since changing clothes in front of him had felt strangely nerve-wracking last time, Alex once again retreated to the bathroom to get ready for bed, feeling as if he were committing some illicit act despite it being perfectly normal.

He truly couldn’t understand his own mind.

Even after getting ready for bed, a minor scuffle ensued. Alex laid down on the absolute edge of the mattress, looking as if he might plummet to the floor at any second. Watching him silently, Nathan applied quiet pressure until Alex reluctantly inched closer, and only then did Nathan finally close his eyes.

The problem was that Alex couldn’t sleep a wink.

Every time the quietly sleeping Nathan shifted, the dry rustle of the sheets and the body heat radiating from beside him made Alex unbearably tense. His lower abdomen pulled tight, and his skin prickled with phantom electricity. His senses were dialed to twice their normal sensitivity, making him terrified to even toss and turn lest he wake the other boy.

He felt so nauseously giddy that he seriously debated hiding in the bathroom, but ultimately decided against it.

What does it mean that he only helped me practice?

Unable to calm down, Alex endlessly chewed over Nathan’s words. Does it mean I’m his closest friend? Is that why he held my hand?

Come to think of it, they had held hands today without even invoking the excuse of ‘practice.’ Calling him cute with a fond smile, pressing his lips to a straw Alex had just used, these were all sides of Nathan he had never witnessed before. Nathan usually detested sharing food or drinks, finding it unsanitary.

Though I don’t know how he was with his girlfriends…

Thinking of girlfriends suddenly brought Jessica to mind. He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of her since before summer vacation started. It made sense since school was out, but one would expect her to be hanging around Nathan during the break. Yet he hadn’t caught even a fleeting glimpse of her red hair, nor had he heard any rumors of a breakup.

Blinking rapidly, Alex rolled over. Staring at the nightstand where his phone lay, he carefully reached out. Angling the screen away to minimize the glare in Nathan’s direction, he unlocked it.

Since it was already 1:00 AM, he didn’t expect an immediate reply. He just wanted to leave a message for Jude.

—Jude, sorry for texting so late. Can you reply when you wake up tomorrow? Have you seen Jessica Bundy recently by any chance?

Jude seemed to be awake. A read receipt popped up instantly, followed by a reply.

—No. I’m pretty sure they broke up?

Alex had to bite his lip to keep from shooting up out of bed.

—When?

—Hmm, I think it’s been over two weeks. They started seeing less of each other right around the time you got really busy, so I guess they ended things then. I only found out because I asked.

That timeline aligned perfectly with the day he received the wristband from Nathan. Alex stared at the glowing letters for a long time, unable to believe what he was reading. A singular answer superimposed itself over Nathan’s question about why he thought he had helped him practice.

Does Nathan… actually… like me?

The sheer weight of that daring hypothesis felt crushing, especially given the years he had spent painstakingly avoiding such assumptions. Unlike Nathan, Alex had never dated anyone, so there was a high probability this was all just a massive delusion.

But was holding hands really something friends did? He couldn’t confidently make a judgment. Asking Nathan outright if he liked him felt far too reckless, especially when Alex couldn’t fathom a single reason why the boy would harbor such feelings. If he did like him, why? For what reason? He hadn’t shown a single hint of it over the past two years.

—Hey, Jude. Can I ask you for some advice?

Driven by a suffocating frustration, Alex finally sent the cautious text. Regret instantly washed over him, completely intertwined with a burning curiosity.

—Yeah, what’s up? Tell me. It’s vacation, so I’m staying up anyway.

—So… if someone holds my hand, or drinks from the same thing I was drinking from… does that mean they like me?

Seeing it written out, it looked incredibly pathetic. To Alex, every single one of Nathan’s actions held profound meaning, especially the recent ones that deviated so far from his usual demeanor. But aside from holding hands, sharing a straw or giving a random gift weren’t entirely outside the realm of platonic friendship. Framing it like that made it seem even more trivial.

—Hmm, is it a same-sex friend? Like, another Alpha or something?

Feeling a sudden pang of guilt at the mention of dynamics, Alex offered a half-truth. It’s a guy.

—I’m not sure. Don’t guys just share food and drinks without caring? Or is that just my prejudice? The hand-holding is confusing, though. I hold hands with Tina all the time! Plus, I’ve seen plenty of guys and girls jokingly kiss at parties when they’re drunk.

Reading that, all his confidence evaporated. Feeling thoroughly deflated, Alex stopped typing mid-sentence. I guess he’s right.

Nathan had always been incredibly certain of himself, his likes and dislikes drawn with absolute clarity. He wasn’t one to casually flip-flop on his words. There was no way his firm stance on only dating Betas had suddenly changed.

—But if the guy you’re talking about is Nathan, I think it might be a different story.

Alex’s heart plummeted at the sudden appearance of that name.

—Huh? No. It’s not Nathan.

But Jude replied, completely ignoring Alex’s denial.

—Nathan’s kind of a germaphobe, you know? He’s sensitive and hates sharing things. If Nathan is willing to put his mouth on something someone else was eating, doesn’t that mean he really likes them? I literally saw him throw away food Jessica offered him once because she took a bite out of it first.

Alex couldn’t type out a denial to that. His body trembled slightly as an overwhelming swell of emotion crashed over him.

Maybe it’s actually true.

Even as he told himself to calm down, Alex couldn’t contain his joy, suppressing a giddy laugh all by himself. His excited fingers flew across the keyboard to reply to Jude.

—Thanks.

—Goodnight, Alex.

—You too.

He absolutely could not follow Jude’s instruction to have a good night. The sentences Jude had delivered made his heart race far too violently, banishing all thoughts of sleep to the wind.

Carefully setting his phone down, Alex rolled onto his side. Nathan’s face, sleeping peacefully without a single stir, filled his vision. Slowly propping himself up, Alex held his breath and waved a hand over Nathan’s closed eyelids. He seemed completely dead to the world.

He stared quietly at Nathan’s face bathed in silver moonlight. He was beautiful. His pale hair and eyelashes seemed to absorb the lunar glow, making them appear almost silver themselves. Just looking at his face brought him immense happiness, a profound sense of fulfillment and joy overflowing in his chest.

Just lying next to him like this felt so good he could die, so what would it be like if they actually entered a deeper relationship? He couldn’t even begin to guess. It was like a man who had never seen heaven trying to paint a picture of it.

However, there were so many things he wanted to do. The desperate wishes he had kept hidden, terrified that getting greedy would only worsen his thirst, began to stealthily rear their heads.

He wanted to hold hands more, much more. When they became adults, he wanted to visit a pub together, and if they ended up drinking, he wanted to steal a sip or two from Nathan’s glass. He wanted to go to the movies, travel together, and if they ever lived in the same house…

His dreams chained together endlessly. With his eyes curving in pure joy, Alex lay quietly and spent the entire night simply watching Nathan’s face.

He was happier than words could describe.

☂