Chapter 13

“Ah.”

Alex’s eyes blew wide in apocalyptic horror. The hands that had just been scrubbing against his shorts were now trembling without his permission. Unable to tear his gaze away, he was utterly paralyzed by the brutal weight of the question.

It was a perfectly logical thing to ask, yet for the very first time in his life, he genuinely resented Nathan for dragging it into the light.

He wanted to run. He took a stumbling half-step backward. However, it was blindingly obvious that there was no physical escape from this confrontation.

If I had just thought about it for two seconds, I would have realized I’d inevitably have to face this question, he thought miserably.

A distinct, dark flicker of annoyance shadowed Nathan’s pale, sun-drenched features. While the outward display was incredibly subtle, Alex instantly recognized that Nathan harbored a far deeper, far more vicious resentment toward the degrading experiences he had suffered over the years than Alex had ever truly comprehended.

“Do you see me as an Omega too, just like all those other bastards?” Nathan challenged.

Beneath the eerily calm cadence of his voice lurked a deep, long-festering fury. The reality of exactly what conclusion Nathan had drawn slowly clicked into place within Alex’s panicked mind.

“If the person I consider my friend is just using me as fap material like all those other pathetic losers out there…” Nathan trailed off, the implication hanging brutally in the air. He was directly conflating Alex with all the disgusting, predatory Alphas who degraded him and treated him like an Omega solely based on his pretty face. “…then that would definitely be a solid reason to cut ties.”

Strictly speaking, Alex wasn’t entirely innocent in that regard.

Multiple times a day, he had entertained the impossible delusion of Nathan being an Omega, frequently declaring in his own thoughts that Nathan was far more beautiful than any real Omega could ever hope to be. If one were to calculate the sheer volume of those thoughts over the past two years, it was entirely arguable that Alex had degraded and insulted Nathan far more prolifically than anyone else on earth.

But…

“Answer me. Alex Yeon,” Nathan demanded softly.

…But my feelings are far too profound to be reduced to something so cheap and vulgar.

“Did you really think of me like that too?” Nathan pressed.

Because I’m genuinely, hopelessly in love with you.

An old, fleeting quote he had heard somewhere, that falling in love absolutely requires a tangible reason, suddenly drifted through his chaotic mind. If reasons were required, he possessed an endless supply.

He loved Nathan because the Beta had stood silently by his side during his most painfully lonely moments. He loved him because he had gently comforted an Alpha who hadn’t even been allowed the simple grace of crying. He loved him for accepting his clumsy, terrifyingly vulnerable first attempts at friendship, and for constantly overlooking his social ineptitude. Around Nathan, he didn’t have to be a dominant, flawless Alpha. He was allowed to just be ‘Alex.’

But long after transcending those initial reasons, Nathan had simply evolved into someone whose very existence felt miraculous to Alex. He was unimaginably precious, a deeply treasured presence in his dark world. He wasn’t some cheap, disposable fantasy to be summoned just to relieve base sexual urges. He was…

“No,” Alex breathed.

The corners of his lips trembled upward in a pathetic attempt at a smile before completely collapsing. His eyebrows drooped heavily, and he dropped his gaze back to his feet.

Everything in his life was a complete, disastrous wreck, exactly like the caked-on dirt smudging the toes of his sneakers. This was absolutely not how he had ever envisioned confessing. He had never intended to confess until the day he died, but if he was ever truly forced to cross that line, he had at least hoped it would happen in a much, much cooler scenario.

I guess that was far too extravagant of a wish for someone like me, he thought bitterly.

“Of course, you really are… prettier, more handsome, and more incredibly lovely than anyone else I’ve ever met, but…” His throat burned with a searing, jagged pain.

A mere thirty minutes after boldly declaring to Nathan that he never cried, his eyes were stinging fiercely with the desperate threat of tears. But Alex ruthlessly swallowed them down. “I wasn’t thinking about you in that cheap, disgusting way. I…”

He dragged up the brightest, most genuine smile he could possibly muster. Forcing his head up, he finally locked eyes with the Beta. Even though he was utterly terrified that he looked like a broken, pathetic mess, he absolutely had to deliver this confession while looking directly into Nathan’s eyes.

“I used to have a crush on you.”

He decisively shoved the confession firmly into the past tense.

“Bet you didn’t know that, huh?” he laughed, deliberately pitching his voice higher to frame it as a lighthearted joke, crinkling his eyes in what he desperately prayed looked like a cheeky, teasing expression. “I’m not saying I still feel that way now, but I definitely used to. You were just so nice to me.”

A ragged sigh threatened to escape, but he choked it back. “Ahaha,” he forced out a dry, breathy laugh that sounded like shattered glass. Even without a mirror, he was absolutely certain he looked completely pathetic right now. “I guess the intense rut just brought back a bunch of those old, stupid feelings, you know?”

He felt completely out of breath. His chest ached hollowly, exactly as if he were drowning. Raising a large, trembling hand, he wiped at his clammy forehead, swept his damp hair back, and forced another long, hollow laugh.

“How could I ever possibly treat you like some cheap object?”

Desperately praying that Nathan would at least believe that one absolute truth, Alex whispered the words into the fading light.

Nathan’s face slowly swam back into sharp focus. The Beta was staring at him with an expression Alex had never, in their entire two years of friendship, witnessed before. His slightly widened eyes screamed of profound bewilderment.

Of course he’s shocked, Alex thought miserably. Of course he hates this.

“But obviously, I’m over it now. I don’t like you like that anymore,” Alex lied smoothly.

I’m so in love with you.

“It was just a stupid crush from the past. So you really don’t have to worry about me suddenly… acting weird or creeping you out or anything.”

Assuming you even let me stay your friend after this.

That final, desperate plea crumbled to dust in his throat. Nathan’s long, dark eyelashes blinked in slow, stunned motion. His pale lips pressed firmly into a tight, unreadable line. Funneling every ounce of his remaining energy, Alex focused on keeping the relaxed, easygoing smile plastered onto his face.

“I had no idea,” Nathan murmured, his voice sounding uncharacteristically thick and tight.

Contorting one eye in a grimace of blatant shock, he added, “I honestly never even suspected a thing.”

As if the sheer gravity of the situation was increasingly overwhelming him, Nathan brought a hand up to rub at his jaw. Releasing a heavy, audible sigh, he slowly closed his eyes before opening them again, looking utterly exhausted.

“I’m sorry,” Nathan offered quietly.

The miraculous, fairy-tale response of I like you too or I used to like you too obviously never came. Even though he had been absolutely certain of the brutal rejection, his heart still burned with searing agony. He felt entirely hollowed out, as if every vital organ inside him had been swept away by a tidal wave. He was completely empty.

“No, don’t be stupid. Why the hell are you apologizing?” Alex forced out.

Nathan cast his gaze downward. The hand rubbing his jaw fell limply to his side. The soft, golden strands of hair cascading across his forehead gleamed so radiantly in the evening light that it physically hurt Alex’s eyes. It was a devastatingly, tragically beautiful sight.

“For not being able to return your feelings,” Nathan clarified softly.

The directness of the rejection briefly robbed Alex of his ability to speak. Feeling as though his throat had been glued shut, he merely twitched his smiling lips in a grotesque pantomime of casualness. His mind blanked out for a merciful second before tens of thousands of thoughts stabbed into his consciousness.

See.

I told you he would never accept you.

“Oh, please,” Alex scoffed loudly, forcing an exaggerated, utterly incredulous laugh to echo down the quiet street. “I told you, it’s totally in the past! Besides, you have zero interest in guys anyway. And you made it perfectly clear you hate anyone who isn’t a Beta. Honestly, I…”

I vastly prefer Omegas anyway.

That specific, filthy lie was far too painful to physically utter, so Alex simply let the sentence trail off into ambiguous silence. Taking a deep, highly forced breath, he snapped his posture rigidly straight. “Anyway, like I said, it’s all in the past. And I’m the one who made the massive mistake yesterday. So… I’m really sorry.”

At the repeated insistence that it was merely ‘in the past,’ Nathan narrowed his eyes, staring intensely into Alex’s face. The Alpha genuinely felt as though the boy were piercing straight through his skull to read his true thoughts.

He was terrified that if he held that piercing gaze for even a second longer, the ugly, desperate truth would come spilling out of his mouth. Utterly overwhelmed by the pressure, Alex broke eye contact.

“So… will you forgive me?” Alex asked quietly.

“…Yeah. I’m really sorry, too,” Nathan murmured.

“Hey, seriously, it’s completely fine,” Alex declared cheerfully, deliberately adopting the rough, casual tone he used with the rest of the guys on the team as he lightly punched Nathan’s shoulder. The sheer injustice of playfully hitting the shoulder he usually deemed far too precious to casually touch made him want to openly weep.

Desperate to escape, Alex forcefully changed the subject. “It’s about time my dad gets back anyway. Do you wanna stay and grab dinner? I mean, since you came all the way out here.”

Nathan’s piercing gaze dropped briefly to the back of Alex’s neck, but he soon shook his head in decline. “No, I need to head back.”

“Then why the hell did you even come all the way here?” Alex asked, his confusion genuine.

If the Beta had solely intended to deliver a verbal rejection and leave, traveling across the entire city was completely unnecessary. Even though looking at Nathan’s face was sheer torture right now, a powerful curiosity overrode his pain.

Staring silently at the Alpha for a long moment, Nathan slowly tilted his head and loosely slung his backpack off one shoulder. His pale hand dove into the sleek black leather bag, swiftly retrieving a small paper parcel.

“The nurse mentioned you were really sick,” Nathan explained softly.

The crinkled, brown recycled paper bag was extended directly toward him. Entirely robbed of speech, Alex could only stare blindly at the offering.

“And you told me your dad hardly ever comes home,” Nathan added gently.

A sharp sting pricked beneath Alex’s fingernails. He slowly reached out, his trembling fingers closing around the package. The crisp rustle of the neatly folded paper crumpling beneath his grip echoed deafeningly in the quiet street.

“I heard that brand of suppressants is highly effective. Just save the other stuff for later,” Nathan instructed smoothly.

With the fake smile still plastered rigidly across his face, Alex found his voice. “I thought you were incredibly angry with me?” he breathed.

Somewhere deep inside his chest, an impossibly dark, heavy emotion expanded and burst into a million agonizing pieces.

“That’s an entirely separate issue,” Nathan replied calmly, stating it as if it were the most obvious, indisputable fact in the universe. “I’ll see you later.”

Without waiting for a response, Nathan turned on his heel. Frozen in the exact same posture, clutching the paper bag to his chest, Alex stood completely paralyzed, staring blankly at the retreating figure.

It was an agonizing, perfect mirror of the day Nathan had casually handed him the umbrella before walking away into the rain. The flawlessly arranged golden hair, the long, elegant curve of the pale neck beneath it, all of it was devastatingly, beautifully identical.