Chapter 68

Wait… surely not…

“You used to like my face, didn’t you?”

The single sentence transformed Alex’s suspicion into a devastating certainty, and his eyes flew wide.

A heavy silence descended over the car.

Alex’s finger pressed hard against the open button. He understood the words logically, but his brain refused to accept the reality of what he was hearing. He felt like he had been struck by a physical blow, and a chaotic swirl of emotions began to rise within him. Two powerful feelings warred for dominance: an electric joy that Nathan might actually be worried about him, and a profound, crushing sorrow at the situation itself.

Alex stared at Nathan, his lips parted in shock. His dark brown eyes swept over Nathan’s features with slow, meticulous detail. He had missed this face every day of his life, and seeing it always brought him a bittersweet joy, but the more he looked, the more his sadness grew.

Nathan was talking about sex.

But the ‘first time’ Alex had envisioned with Nathan never involved a Nathan who wore such an expression.

The intimacy he had allowed himself to imagine after his first Rut was nothing like this. He had wanted to treat Nathan with the utmost tenderness. Especially after that day Nathan had given him that unbelievable confession…

The memory triggered a sudden, violent surge of regret and despair, and Alex bit his lip until it bled. He felt a suffocating sense of grief. Nathan had offered him his precious heart, and Alex had repaid that gift with nothing but scars.

It had been a stroke of luck he never deserved.

Nathan… said he liked me, Alex Yeon.

Alex struggled to regulate his breathing and finally forced out a single, broken sentence.

“I… I don’t think that’s right.”

In the past, when he had dared to dream of a future with Nathan, he had sometimes allowed himself the shameful luxury of imagining their first time. In Alex’s fantasies, they were happy. There were no expressions like this. There was no coldness, no lack of joy or anticipation. There were no unreadable masks.

“Why? Because I’m not an Omega?” Nathan asked dryly. The veins on the back of the hand he used to hold the door open stood out in sharp relief.

Alex felt a sharp pang in his chest. He bowed his head like a condemned criminal. That wasn’t the reason at all.

“No, Nathan… sex is supposed to be with someone you like.”

Nathan was the only thing Alex truly needed in this world, but…

“And to you, I’m…”

He wasn’t shameless enough to let Nathan do something he clearly didn’t want to do.

“It’s hard for you to even look at me.”

Every truth he uttered felt like a fresh wound. It was excruciating. Standing there, Alex felt the same overwhelming desire to simply cease to exist that he had felt before falling asleep.

“I don’t think it makes sense for you to force yourself to be with someone as disgusting as me. I know I wronged you, and you’re being kind enough to help me, but you don’t have to go that far.”

The strength left his finger, and he finally released the open button. After forcing out those final words, his insides felt like a mangled wreck. On the verge of tears, Alex bit his lip and desperately fought to keep the redness from reaching his eyes. He didn’t dare move his hands to wipe them, fearing it would give him away. He simply bowed his head even lower.

Nathan didn’t speak for a long time. With his head down, Alex couldn’t see his expression. Minutes later, he heard the rustle of fabric. He saw Nathan’s shoes move back.

He’s leaving.

Despite having rejected the offer himself, Alex felt a devastating ache as he realized Nathan was walking away. Just as the shoes vanished from his downward vision, Alex looked up, only to have his arm violently seized.

“Get out. Other people need to use the elevator.”

Alex was yanked out of the car so forcefully he nearly fell into Nathan’s chest. He blinked in shock. Nathan stared down at him with a blank expression.

“You can have sex with someone you don’t like,” Nathan said tonelessly.

They were so close Alex could have collapsed into the man’s arms with a single tilt of his body.

“Don’t read into it. It’s just sex.”

Alex opened his mouth to argue, but the intense green stare locked him into silence.

“I have no intention of forgiving you, and I’m not trying to start ‘something’ with you. But I don’t think you’re so worthless that I can just stand by and watch you destroy your body for some pathetic reason. That’s a separate issue from you being a bad person in my eyes.”

His whisper was incredibly low. The repressed emotion in his voice made Alex’s heart tremor. Nathan released his arm, only to cup Alex’s jaw. His grip was firm and unyielding. Alex’s lips parted with a small, startled sound.

“You aren’t disgusting.”

Nathan had made it so clear he wanted nothing to do with him, yet in the end, because Alex was suffering, he had reached out. The voice denying Alex was repulsive was dry, yet it held an undeniable edge of kindness.

But Alex didn’t want to hear any of it.

“So think about it carefully before you answer.”

Because every time I hear your kindness, it gives me hope and wounds me all over again, and I only end up loving you even more.

The conclusion of this proposal was clear. Just hearing these gentle words was enough to drive him mad. If he allowed himself to touch Nathan again, he feared he might truly want to die. Because this was a love that could never be realized. It was far more hopeless than the dilemmas of his youth.

“I…”

And yet, Alex Yeon always made the same foolish choice when it came to Nathan White.

“If you’re really okay with it…”

Today was no different.

“Okay.”

A trembling breath escaped him. The white fingers on his cheek and jaw tightened for a moment before slowly pulling away. Nathan scrutinized Alex’s reddened eyes before lowering his own lashes. Beneath his curled golden lashes, his eyes were distorted with a flash of violent confusion. His fingers lingered near Alex’s face, as if wanting to touch his eyes, before finally retreating.

“I’m off this Saturday. It might change, but for now, contact me when you’re available.”

Nathan pulled a business card from his wallet and offered it to Alex. Alex stared at the hand that had just been touching his face as if under a spell, then quickly took the card. He studied it quietly. It was a professional card with the hospital’s number and his email. There was no personal mobile number listed. Despite their proximity, the distance between them remained absolute.

“Understood.”

Nathan let out a heavy sigh and stepped back. Alex watched in silence as the man shrugged his coat back on and straightened his collar. Nathan turned to leave, then paused and looked back.

“Pick up the medication I left at the reception desk on your way out. It’s a different suppressant and a fever reducer. Only take them until tomorrow.”

Alex’s “thank you” came too late, muffled by the overwhelming emotion surging through him. Nathan didn’t wait for a reply. He walked away, his faint shadow stretching long across the corridor until it brushed Alex’s feet.

Forcing his mind to stop overlaying the past onto the present, Alex waited until Nathan had completely vanished from sight before finally forcing himself to walk.

☂