Chapter 57

“Everything go okay?” Matthew asked the moment he stepped out of Nathan’s house.

The rain had stopped for a moment, but the sky remained a bruised, dark gray despite it being just past noon. With every step they took on the waterlogged pavement, a wet squelch echoed through the air. A biting autumn wind swept through the streets, its damp chill sinking into the bones of everyone it touched.

“What do you mean?” Alex asked.

“You and that guy.”

Apparently, Matthew had felt guilty about leaving them alone after all. Alex offered a dry, hollow laugh, the first of the day. In that moment, he remembered that in the past, Nathan had been the only reason he ever smiled. The realization was devastating.

“Did you suddenly grow a conscience for leaving me behind?”

“No, I just thought it might be better to give you two some time to talk.” Matthew’s intentions had been a form of consideration. He knew it was better to smooth over any friction with a civilian involved in a case.

“I see.”

“So, did you get anything?”

“No.” Alex shook his head, his hand going to his bare wrist.

He had once tried buying a similar band from the same brand, but the sight of it had only caused him more pain, so he’d given up. Since then, his wrist had remained empty. He gripped his arm tightly.

“He told me not to even bother apologizing.”

“Did you commit some kind of capital crime?”

Alex couldn’t answer that. It wasn’t something he could quantify. Only Nathan truly knew how much he had loved Alex back then. After they had parted, Alex often tried to put himself in Nathan’s shoes. He wondered how much it would have hurt if Nathan had said those things to him. Even as a mere thought experiment, the pain was so intense that on days he allowed himself to imagine it, he became utterly non-functional.

But the way they accepted the outcome was different. Even if Nathan had said those things to him, Alex wouldn’t have been able to give up. He might have resented Nathan, but it wouldn’t have lasted. He wondered if he would have clung to him like a fool, but eventually realized he probably would have just nodded and walked away, simply because he couldn’t stand the thought of being a burden to him.

Alex often wondered if his feelings were love or obsession, or perhaps a form of blind worship born from a lack of self-worth. He hadn’t exactly avoided other people. In university, Ian had been a forced presence, and for two years after their breakup, Alex had been so drained he hadn’t even made friends. During his time in uniform, an Omega had shown him more affection than he deserved, and he’d been asked out by colleagues from other departments after becoming an investigator. There had even been Betas in the mix.

And yet, in all those moments, Alex had never felt a single spark of emotion for any of them. He felt pathetic for how long some people had stayed kind to him despite his polite rejections.

Alex cut the train of thought there. He realized his life was, in many ways, quite broken.

“Yeah…” he answered simply.

If it was a crime deserving of death, then it was. He had no right to judge the weight of his own sin.

“I think you’re a good person,” Matthew said suddenly. “I don’t believe you’d do something wrong without a reason.”

“It’s strange to hear that from you, of all people.”

Matthew was the precinct’s most vocal proponent of the idea that humanity was inherently evil. He wasn’t a dirty cop who used violence or threats, but he fundamentally distrusted everything people said. Anna suspected he had a tragic past, but Janice insisted he was just born that way.

“Even criminals get forgiven in this world, right? I mean, forced forgiveness is wrong, and a victim doesn’t have to grant it… but can’t you at least show him you’re trying your best to be sorry?” Matthew ignored Alex’s jab and finished his thought stubbornly.

Alex looked at Matthew and nodded. Nathan had said he didn’t want to hear an apology and had no reason to forgive him. He told Alex to just stay sorry. Honestly, Alex had no idea what his next move should even be.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Show him you’re reflecting on it.”

“What would you do?”

“Me? I wouldn’t act like you. I’d just tell him to go ahead and hate me for the rest of my life.”

Matthew let out a scoffing laugh, as if he’d just heard a joke, and gave Alex a series of heavy thumps on the back. The blows were hard enough to make Alex’s vision shake. He looked around and realized they had aimlessly wandered into Old Spitalfields Market.

“Since we’re here, let’s just grab lunch before heading back.”

“Should we get something for Anna or Sergeant Hayden?”

“Nah, they can feed themselves.” Matthew rejected the idea coldly and pulled Alex into the market.

As they sat down for a late lunch, Alex’s heart felt a fraction lighter. As he slowly chewed on a chip, he ruminated on Matthew’s words about showing Nathan he was truly reflecting on the past.

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