Chapter 42

It was only a single message.

The words Muwon had shouted during the fight, words Yu-su had been too frantic to comprehend at the time, returned as thorns and tore through his heart.

Disgusting? Don’t touch me? Gay…?

He could not understand it.

In truth, Yu-su had occasionally allowed himself to feel smug.

“Jeong Yeon-yak, your waist has gotten thinner. I’m going to have to start watching whether you eat properly.”

“Why do I like watching you dive? Why the hell are you asking something that embarrassing? I just… can’t take my eyes off you. It’s fascinating.”

“Jeong Yu-su, this hyung is fucking exhausted, so give me a piggyback ride. Ah, fuck! Don’t push me, you lunatic!”

Yu-su was the only person Muwon touched without hesitation. He was the only one Muwon watched over, fussed about, and treated as someone special. Because of that, there had been moments, rare and fleeting, when Yu-su wondered whether perhaps they…

“Perhaps…”

Perhaps they felt the same way.

Me looking at you.

You looking at me.

Perhaps something beyond friendship had taken root in all that endless trust and special attention. No, Yu-su had believed that one day Muwon might cross the line between friendship and something more, just as he already had.

Like a fool.

Yu-su drew his knees to his chest and buried his face against them.

Outside, cicadas screamed beneath the summer sun, and golden light poured through the infirmary window. Still, Yu-su felt cold enough to die.

A few days later, he discovered that his father had gambled away the money meant for the hospital bills.

He was so tired.

“I told you, I’d already earned enough to cover several years of hospital bills!” his father shouted. “It was those fucking bastards! They rigged the machine. I know they did!”

His mother clutched at the man’s sleeve. “You must have been bewitched by something. It only happened once. Right, dear? It was really only once, wasn’t it?”

“Ahem…”

Yu-su was simply too tired.

Far too tired.

“The hospital says they can’t begin the next treatment until the overdue bills are settled,” his mother continued. “If you don’t help us, Yu-yeong and Yu-rok might really die.”

Yu-su said nothing.

His silence made the man erupt.

“What the fuck does dying matter? If nothing works, then we’ll all die together! I don’t have a single attachment left in this goddamn world!”

“Honey!” His mother burst into tears. “Why is my life like this? I never should’ve married you! I never should’ve had children with you!”

The man rounded on her. “Have you lost your fucking mind? Who do you think you’re making a scene in front of?”

“Yes, I’ve lost my mind! What are we supposed to do about our children’s treatment costs?”

Yu-su had never felt so exhausted in his life.

His mother swung wildly between sobbing and screaming, while his father tore apart what little remained of the house even though the debt collectors had already turned it inside out. Every sound, every accusation, and every shattered object pressed down on him until even breathing felt burdensome.

His knee throbbed without pause after a bad fall from the diving board two days earlier. Do Muwon had not contacted him since the fight. Somehow, neither of those things seemed important anymore.

Perhaps his father disliked seeing him sit so still, like a corpse with his eyes fixed on the floor. The man strode over and jabbed a finger hard against Yu-su’s forehead.

“You too, Jeong Yu-su! Haven’t you played around with sports long enough? Why the hell do you even need to graduate? Your siblings are sick, and you still have the nerve to waste money running around doing whatever you want!”

“Stop it, honey!” His mother pulled at his arm before turning desperately toward Yu-su. “Yu-su, save your mother and father. Save Jeong Yu-rok and Jeong Yu-yeong too. You’re the eldest, aren’t you? Please?”

“But…”

Unsteady, Yu-su lifted his gaze.

His father stood before him brimming with rage, despite being the one who had caused all of this. His mother looked utterly lost, yet had still found a way to shift the burden onto him.

Are these people really my parents?

The two figures before him seemed impossibly alien. They wore his parents’ faces, but they felt like strangers.

“I didn’t force you to gamble,” Yu-su said, his voice shaking. “If you had deposited the hospital money like you were supposed to, none of this would have happened. You…”

Slap!

Fire exploded across his cheek, and the room lurched sideways. Before Yu-su could gather his senses, furious kicks began raining down over his body.

“You little bastard! Acting like you’re all grown up and talking back to your parents?” his father roared. “Have you lost your mind? Are you fucking crazy?”

“Honey, stop it! What are we going to do if he gets hurt too?”

“What do you mean, what are we going to do?” The man wrenched against her grip. “Fucking let go of me! I told you, this brat only listens when you beat some sense into him!”

The blows struck his ribs, the back of his skull, his spine, and his thighs. Amid the sounds of objects cracking and fabric tearing, Jeong Yu-su curled into himself and endured the violence crashing down upon him.

How did everything come to this?

His father and mother had not always been like this. At least, he did not think they had.

Did our family fall apart because I was too obsessed with sports? Because I was too distracted by my stupid, secret feelings for Do Muwon?

The most miserable part was that, even then, Yu-su wanted to see Muwon more than anything.

Could you please pick up the phone, Muwon-ah? I need you so badly right now.

There was no response to the message Yu-su sent with trembling fingers. He called again and again, but Muwon’s voice never came through.

Jeong Yu-su finally gave up on many things after the twelfth unanswered call.

—“What did you say? Yu-su, dropping out is no joke. The doctor said your injury wasn’t serious. You can rest for a while, focus on your studies, and come back when you’ve recovered.”

—“No. I want to withdraw. I brought the parental consent form and all the necessary documents.”

As his unexcused absences accumulated, the withdrawal was eventually processed. His homeroom teacher tried to dissuade him, but Yu-su no longer wanted to explain himself.

He was tired.

The world changed completely the moment he left school.

A sudden and crushing poverty descended alongside the prolonged heat wave. Less than two weeks passed before debt collectors forced their way into the house and beat them, everything Yu-su owned was sold, and the family fled into a damp, mold-infested semi-basement apartment.

I never imagined I’d hear someone tell me to sell my organs…

Even the sight of his father’s missing pinky finger, severed by a loan shark as a warning, eventually became something Yu-su had no choice but to swallow.

Once the initial shock had passed, he applied for every part-time job he could find and eventually managed to secure several. There was barely enough time to sleep, but if Yu-su stopped moving, something worse would happen.

“You were told not to be late today. We have a lot of reservations.”

Yu-su hurried up the stairs and emerged into the sunlight, only for a familiar voice to reach him from the side.

“Jeong Yu-su.”

He stopped.

Do Muwon stood nearby.

The missed calls had begun the previous day. Somehow, Muwon had discovered where Yu-su’s family had moved. When Yu-su did not answer, Muwon appeared ready to explode. Then he got a proper look at him and faltered.

“You…” His anger vanished. “What happened to you?”

Yu-su remained silent.

“Who hit you?” Muwon demanded. “What kind of bastard did this?”

Blood had dried along Yu-su’s split skin, and dark, mottled bruises covered his face. Without acknowledging Muwon, he walked past him.

“Jeong Yu-su!” Muwon followed. “I asked you what happened to your face!”

A hand caught him.

Muwon yanked sharply on his wrist, sending a bolt of pain through the bruised joint. Yu-su recoiled on instinct.

Startled, Muwon released him and stared at the blue-black discoloration encircling his wrist.

“What the fuck…” His voice dropped. “What is this?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Jeong Yu-su!”

Muwon clearly had a thousand things he wanted to say. He had probably heard about the head injury Yu-su suffered when Muwon shoved him, as well as the injury from diving, the sudden withdrawal from school, and the move.

Yu-su did not want to talk about any of it.

“Why did you come looking for me?”

“That isn’t what matters right now. Who did this to you? Did you go to a hospital?”

Yu-su gave him a helpless smile.

The sight seemed to drain the fury from Muwon. There was so little strength in Yu-su’s expression that he looked as though even the act of smiling might make him crumble and disappear.

Muwon lowered his voice and jerked his chin toward the car parked nearby.

“Let’s go to the hospital first. I’ll take you.”

“Why did you come?”

It was the same question, repeated without emotion.

Muwon scrubbed a hand over his face several times before finally answering, “I heard it from our homeroom teacher. He said you quit school because of your siblings’ medical bills.”

“It wasn’t only because of the bills.”

Muwon waited.

“I’m tired,” Yu-su continued. “I wanted to stop.”

Muwon instinctively sensed that he should not ask what Yu-su wanted to stop. He forced the question back down, but a strange impatience tightened around his heart. He hurriedly pulled a white envelope from his pocket and pressed it into Yu-su’s palm.

“Use this to settle the medical bills first. I’ll tell the school you’re returning, so come back the day after tomorrow.”

Yu-su stared down at the envelope.

Paper shifted inside it with a crisp rustle. Even through his blurred vision, he could see a string of zeros printed across the document within.

It’s a check. So this is what it comes down to.

Because he had not possessed this, he had left school. Because he had not possessed this, he had endured every humiliation and every blow. Because he had not possessed this…

Now he would show Muwon the one sight he had never wanted him to see. He would fall into the one situation he had prayed to avoid and arrive at the conclusion he had feared most.

Yu-su kept his head bowed, saying nothing. Unable to bear the silence, Muwon closed his fingers around Yu-su’s hand and spoke again.

“Come to me every day until you’ve repaid all of it. Here, at this address.” He pushed a slip of paper against the envelope. “If you don’t come, I won’t pay a single cent toward your siblings’ treatment starting tomorrow.”

Yu-su gripped the envelope blankly. The tips of Muwon’s fingers, brushing against his skin, felt as cold as the stiff check inside.

“Fuck, don’t reject it. Just take it.”

“I’m not rejecting it.” Yu-su tightened his fingers around the envelope and gave a hollow laugh. “I have no intention of rejecting it. That’s why it feels so fucking filthy and humiliating.”

Muwon stiffened. “Hey. Jeong Yu-su.”

“Are you satisfied now?” Yu-su looked up. “Do you want me to kneel and thank you?”

“You fucking… Why have you been acting like such a prick lately?”

Muwon’s voice sank into a low, menacing register, heavy enough to sound like a threat. Yu-su laughed again, as though the absurdity of the situation had finally overwhelmed him.

“Do you think it would be normal for me not to act like a prick? You went around screaming about how disgusting it was to be linked to me, beating someone half to death, and then you…”

“So it isn’t disgusting?”

Muwon’s furious interruption cut through him.

“Is it not disgusting to have people call you and me gay?”

“Ha.”

“Men dating, kissing, and doing all that fucking bullshit. I beat those bastards for saying it, so why the hell are you acting like this?”

“Do Muwon, get your words straight.” Yu-su’s restraint began to fracture. “Why are you suddenly treating me like this?”

The accusation ignited something inside Muwon, as though Yu-su had touched a flame to the fuse of a bomb. His eyes flared with instant agitation.

“This is me talking straight!”

The shout thundered through the narrow alley.

Then Muwon’s face twisted with unmistakable disgust, leaving Yu-su speechless.

“I was disgusted hearing people call me a gay bastard,” Muwon spat. “Why? A man fucking liking another man…” He recoiled from the very thought. “It’s too fucking sickening to even say out loud.”

Yu-su looked at him.

“Yeah.”

So it is disgusting.

You mean it.

I liked you.

Sometimes I leaned on you, and sometimes I became your shade. We could sit together doing nothing, without needing to speak, and it felt peaceful. It made me happy.

But to you, all of it was disgusting.

Plop.

Plop.

Cold droplets began striking Yu-su’s motionless head and shoulders. It was midsummer, and a cool sun shower had begun beneath the lingering brightness of the sky.

As the rain cooled his feverish body, violent chills crept through him.

He did not want Muwon to notice.

Yu-su straightened his back and raised his head. His eyes, which had been tossing like a shipwrecked boat caught in a storm, became eerily still, as though they had reached a place where not even the faintest breath of wind could enter.

His voice settled too. It sounded like his usual voice, calm and steady, perhaps even gentle, but every trace of warmth had vanished.

“I suppose you won’t have to hear those rumors anymore, so that’s a relief. I dropped out, remember?” His lips curved faintly. “Are we good now?”

“Fuck, Jeong Yu-su. Why are you really acting like this?” Muwon stepped closer. “Are you gay? Did something fucking happen between you and me?”

“No.” Yu-su met his eyes. “I think it’s disgusting too.”

Muwon’s expression contorted as though Yu-su had plunged a blade into him. Bewilderment flickered beneath his furrowed brows before hardening into unmistakable rage.

I agreed with him, so why is he angry?

Yu-su no longer wanted to think about it. He wanted everything to stop.

“I’ll repay every cent,” he said. “After that, let’s never see each other again. Goodbye.”

“Jeong Yu-su! Is this really the time for you to say something like that?”

Yu-su had already begun to withdraw, but the accusation made him look back.

Swoosh.

The thin drizzle thickened into a downpour without warning. Rain crashed over the alley, soaking both boys from head to toe within seconds. Through the sheets of water, Yu-su’s shadow blurred against the pavement as though it were melting away.

“Why?” he asked. “Because I took your money, I’m not even allowed to say that?”

“Fuck. That isn’t what I meant.”

“Do Muwon.”

“What?”

“Let’s pretend we’ve never known each other from now on.”

With those final words cast into the rain, Yu-su turned his back and descended the stairs.

Muwon shouted after him, rage carrying his voice through the alley, but Yu-su did not stop.

Tap. Tap.

A broken light flickered frantically above the dark staircase. The steps beneath him resembled a path descending into the underworld, a place divided from the living by death itself.

Once he reached the bottom, perhaps he would never see Do Muwon again.

That would be better, wouldn’t it?

Let’s just say I died.

Then even this emotion, boiling inside him despite the cold rain, would eventually cool and disappear.

The tears would not stop. No matter how many times Yu-su wiped his soaked cheeks with the back of his hand, it felt as though his face would remain wet forever.

“Ah…”

The moment he shut the broken front door behind him, his legs gave way.

Fever scorched through his body, and Yu-su collapsed onto the floor.

It wasn’t like this before…

He had never felt this way, not even when he remained completely submerged beneath the water. Now he could not breathe, and darkness flickered across his vision before swallowing the world whole.

Yu-su curled up on the floor, burning with fever and unable to report to his part-time job.

What eventually woke him was the sharp sting of a hand striking his ear.

Slap!

His eyes flew open at the tearing pain.

His mother stood over him, her face flushed crimson with rage.

“You!” she screamed. “After your mother begged and pleaded to get you that job, you can’t even show up properly? What the hell are you doing lying around here?”

Then her gaze dropped to the envelope clutched against Yu-su’s chest.

The anger vanished.

A broad smile slowly stretched across her face.

***