Chapter 18

“Could you lift your hips just a fraction higher?”

“Ngh…”

Wishing the mattress would open up and swallow him whole, Si-woon obeyed and raised his aching hips an inch off the towel spread beneath him. I should have insisted on lying on my stomach for this part. Fixing his eyes on the ceiling molding so he wouldn’t have to meet Je-hee’s gaze, he silently rued his own ignorance. When he had asked to sleep together earlier tonight, he had thought only of the act itself—never once anticipating that it would be followed by a cleanup and examination this thorough and this mortifying.

Not that he regretted a single moment of what they had shared; deep down, knowing what it felt like to hold and be held so completely by the person he loved filled him with a quiet, profound wonder. Lying spread-eagled under the bedroom lamp while Je-hee applied soothing ointment to his tender rim, however, was another test entirely—especially when the swollen flesh kept twitching and clenching involuntarily against Je-hee’s cool fingertips. Why does he have to inspect it that closely? He knew Je-hee was only being conscientious, yet that knowledge did nothing to cool the fire in his cheeks as he dug his fingernails into his own thighs.

“Fortunately, the skin isn’t torn anywhere,” Je-hee murmured, his voice sounding oddly tight as he smoothed the last of the ointment around the swollen rim.

“Ah…” At Si-woon’s small, involuntary shudder, Je-hee’s jaw clenched visibly, his cheeks flushing as he averted his eyes for a second before quickly finishing up. Pressing a brief, chaste kiss to the inside of Si-woon’s calf, Je-hee helped him slide into a clean pair of briefs, drew the duvet up to his shoulders, and stood abruptly from the bed.

“Go ahead and go to sleep first,” Je-hee said, keeping his gaze fixed slightly past Si-woon’s ear. “I’m not quite sleepy yet, so I thought I’d step out for a quick cigarette. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Watching the bedroom door click shut behind Je-hee’s hurried footsteps, Si-woon blinked up at the ceiling in mild puzzlement. Hadn’t he stopped smoking months ago? Si-woon hadn’t smelled tobacco on him once since those early highway rest-stop breaks, though having quit himself years ago, he knew better than anyone how suddenly a craving could ambush a person late at night. Letting his eyelids fall shut, he waited for sleep to claim him.

…Why can’t I fall asleep?

He had assumed sheer physical exhaustion would knock him out the instant his head hit the pillow, yet now that he was lying alone in the wide bed, a restless heat lingered beneath his skin. Turning from side to side, he let out a long, quiet sigh. “I had no idea it could feel like that…” Every place Je-hee’s mouth and hands had touched still tingled with phantom warmth. When he took care of his own needs alone, the sensation was brief and functional; with Je-hee, the longer they stayed joined, the deeper and more overwhelming the waves became, until the final stretch of the night had blurred into a white-hot haze.

I wonder if it felt that good for Je-hee-ssi, too. Earlier, he had been far too winded and flustered to ask, yet now the curiosity refused to let him rest. Had he been too clumsy or tense? Had Je-hee actually enjoyed himself?

Once the question took root, waiting in bed became impossible. Pushing himself upright—his lower body felt sore and slightly stiff, though not painful enough to keep him from walking—Si-woon slipped a robe over his shoulders and picked up his phone from the nightstand in case Je-hee had stepped outside to the complex courtyard.

Halfway down the dim hallway, however, a low, muffled sound from behind the closed main bathroom door brought him to a halt.

“Hngh.”

“…?” Is he back inside already? Assuming Je-hee had returned from smoking and was brushing his teeth, Si-woon stepped toward the frosted door and raised a hand to knock—only to freeze as a rough, strangled groan carried through the crack.

“Haa, fuck… ngh.”

“…!”

Dropping his hand as if the wood had burned him, Si-woon took an involuntary step back.

“Si-woon-ah, does it feel good? Does taking my cock… ngh, feel that good to you?”

The voice coming from inside the bathroom was gravelly, breathless, and stripped of every trace of Je-hee’s customary gentlemanly polish. Si-woon stood rooted to the floorboards, his head spinning. Ah. Suddenly, the tense set of Je-hee’s jaw during the ointment aftercare and his abrupt excuse about going for a cigarette made complete sense: not only had Je-hee enjoyed himself, he had fled to the hall bathroom specifically so he wouldn’t burden an exhausted Si-woon with the rest of his arousal.

I need to get back to bed before he comes out. Retreating silently down the hall on trembling legs, Si-woon slipped back under the duvet and pressed a palm hard over his racing heart. “Si-woon-ah, does it feel good?” Who knew a man so unfailingly courteous and gentle in company could talk like that when he was alone? Try as he might to banish the memory before the bathroom door opened, that low, desperate voice echoed in his ears and refused to fade.

A few minutes later, the bedroom door eased open without a sound, and the mattress dipped as Je-hee slid cautiously beneath the edge of the duvet, smelling faintly of hand soap.

“…Je-hee-ssi,” Si-woon murmured in the dark.

Je-hee nearly jumped out of his skin, his voice pitching up an octave before he caught himself. “You’re still awake? Why haven’t you gone to sleep yet?”

“Yes, um… I missed you when I woke up, so I went out to look for you earlier,” Si-woon confessed, his face half-buried in his pillow. “I really didn’t mean to eavesdrop… I’m sorry.”

Beside him, Je-hee went rigid from head to toe. “…What, exactly, did you hear?”

“Um… outside the bathroom, while you were by yourself…”

For several seconds, not a sound came from the other side of the bed; even in the dim light, Si-woon could see the mortified flush spreading all the way down Je-hee’s neck as the man stared into the dark like someone whose life had just ended.

Shifting closer under the covers to ease that agonizing silence, Si-woon asked in an earnest whisper, “Do you want to do it one more time?”

“…Next time. Let’s do it again next time.”

Pulling Si-woon firmly into his arms—hiding his flaming face against Si-woon’s hair in the process—Je-hee let out a long breath. “Still—” Si-woon began, only for Je-hee to silence him with a brief, tender kiss on the lips, followed by another against his smooth forehead.

“What we did tonight is more than enough for your first time. Go to sleep now.”

As Je-hee’s warm palm patted his bare back in a slow, soothing rhythm, the lingering tension in Si-woon’s limbs finally gave way to a deep, peaceful sleep.

* * *

“Should we take a short trip somewhere for Christmas?” Je-hee asked one evening a week later, having passed a brightly lit Christmas tree on his walk from the station and found himself picturing a holiday getaway with Si-woon. In previous years, December twenty-fifth had been nothing more than a midweek day off; this winter, he had someone he wanted to celebrate it with.

Standing before the open refrigerator with a plastic bag of groceries in hand, Si-woon froze. “Uh…”

Seeing the troubled expression that crossed Si-woon’s face as he gripped the refrigerator door handle, Je-hee immediately backpedaled. “I didn’t mean we had to go anywhere far, of course—if you’d rather stay home and rest, please feel free to say no.”

“I’m sorry, Je-hee-ssi. It honestly never occurred to me that someone would want to make Christmas plans with me, so I already promised Gyeom—my nephew—months ago that I’d come down and spend Christmas with him.”

“Ah.” Je-hee let out a soft breath of understanding. His nephew. Somehow that hadn’t crossed his mind at all.

“I wasn’t trying to hide it from you,” Si-woon added anxiously. “Work has been so hectic lately that it completely slipped my mind to mention the dates in advance. I’m really sorry.”

“What on earth do you have to apologize for? Of course you should spend Christmas with your nephew when you promised him.” Patting Si-woon’s shoulder warmly, Je-hee meant every word; he knew how much Do-gyeom meant to him, and now that they spent nearly every night together here, parting for two days over Christmas wouldn’t hurt them. “Did you pick out his Christmas present already? He’ll be disappointed if his favorite uncle shows up empty-handed.”

“Ah, yes. I ordered it earlier this week and asked my sister to hide it in her closet until I get there. It’s a remote-control car—the controller looked straightforward enough for an eight-year-old, so I’m hoping he’ll like it.”

As the apology melted from Si-woon’s face, replaced by the unmistakable glow that always surfaced when he spoke of Do-gyeom, Je-hee couldn’t help smiling too. “So you’re playing Santa this year.”

“Yeah. I don’t think he completely believes in Santa anymore, to be honest, but I still wanted to surprise him.”

“He’s going to love it.” Leaning in to press a kiss to Si-woon’s warm cheek—and smiling when Si-woon dutifully tilted his head to offer the other cheek as well—Je-hee knew he could easily forgive missing one holiday just to watch Si-woon come back from Naeju and chatter happily for an hour about everything he and his nephew had done together. Still, holding out both hands, Je-hee let a playful glint enter his eyes. “Since you’re playing Santa for your nephew, could you grant me one small Christmas wish when you get back, too?”

“A wish?”

“Yes. Nothing difficult—just one present for me.”

Si-woon nodded at once with such solemn determination that Je-hee nearly laughed aloud. “Aren’t you even going to ask what the wish is before agreeing?”

“It doesn’t matter what it is. If it’s something you want, Je-hee-ssi, I can do anything.”

“…If you keep looking at me like that and saying things like that, I really won’t let you get on the bus for Christmas.” Pressing a hand to his chest at the unguarded devotion in those dark eyes—do you have any idea what you do to my heart when you say things like “I can do anything” with that face?—Je-hee shook his head in fond defeat.

* * *