Chapter 20

From an early age, Yi-seon’s parents had been kind to him. They were so gentle and warm that other people envied him. Yet even as a child, Yi-seon sensed something subtly wrong beneath that kindness.

Because their generosity was reserved solely for him.

“Yi-jeong-ah, didn’t I tell you not to snatch Yi-seon’s snacks?”

“Yi-jeong-ah, be a good older brother and yield. Yi-seon says he wants that.”

“Yi-jeong-ah, looks like Yi-seon wants to keep watching this show. Why don’t you watch it with him for now, and later in bed before sleep, you and Mommy can watch whatever you want on the phone?”

Everyone was always told to give way to him. From the outside, it probably looked as though Yi-seon was the child who got everything he wanted.

In truth, Yi-seon had never dared act on a whim or insist on having everything. Yi-jeong might have been the one constantly fussed over and scolded, but to Yi-seon, that only proved who was truly loved.

His brother was the one allowed to sleep in the big bed with their parents, and the one who walked between them holding both their hands. Yi-seon never asked for the same. He could not have explained why, but he felt as though he had no right to want those things.

Some days, he wished he could be scolded like his brother—to cry afterward in his mother’s arms, whining that he was sorry, then lie in bed talking quietly until they fell asleep.

Just as his brother did.

Even making mistakes felt like a privilege reserved for his brother. Without that privilege, Yi-seon tried with all his might to be nothing but good.

Mom and Dad were always kind.

Until that day arrived.

That day, Yi-seon lay gasping on the coarse sand.

Haa, hah… k-kuh, hack. Cold seeped into his bones, making him shudder violently as ragged breaths caught in his throat. His lungs felt flooded, every attempt to breathe an agony.

“Yi-jeong-ah!”

“Yi-jeong-ah, breathe! Breathe!”

His parents’ frantic voices calling for his brother seemed to come from every direction. Yi-seon’s head throbbed and buzzed as though he were still underwater. He dug numb fingers into the dry, gritty sand and turned to see Yi-jeong, his face drained of color.

Cough, hack! With every fit of coughing that wracked Yi-jeong, their parents seemed to grow paler still, their faces white with terror.

Minutes earlier, the sea had swallowed both brothers without warning. They had been playing with a ball when a massive wave surged in from behind and swept them into deeper water.

They had thrashed and clawed desperately at each other, neither knowing who had grabbed whom first. Tangled together, they plunged beneath the churning surf. When Yi-seon opened his mouth on reflex, saltwater rushed down his throat, cutting off his air and blurring his vision. Unable to untangle themselves, they sank farther beneath the surface.

If the lifeguards who spotted them had arrived even a moment later, neither boy might have made it back to shore alive.

He had no memory of what happened after being hauled out.

“Yi-jeong-ah, Yi-jeong-ah!”

“Are you okay? Are you alright?”

By the time Yi-seon came to, he was sprawled on the sand.

Their parents hovered over Yi-jeong, their faces contorted with terror. They held their shivering son tightly, rubbing his back and murmuring breathless words of relief. Watching in a daze, Yi-seon called for his mother, “M-Mom…”

He was freezing. His brother was wrapped in a blanket, while Yi-seon lay caked in cold sand, shaking so hard his bones hurt and wanting desperately for someone to hold him. What met him instead was neither an embrace nor concern.

“Because of you! My Yi-jeong almost died because of you!”

His mother’s fury detonated in a roar.

Once upon a time, he had wished he could be scolded by his parents. Was this the punishment he had invited upon himself?

His parents’ twisted expressions cut into him like blades.

“Why did you drag him down, why?! If you were going under, you should have drowned alone! Why drag my Yi-jeong down with you?!”

His mother spat the accusation while clutching Yi-jeong. His father, supporting the boy from behind, glared at Yi-seon with the same hostility. Yi-jeong remained limp, still too dazed to understand what was happening.

Yi-seon barely managed to move his stiff lips. His voice came out with hot tears.

“Hyung, hyung grabbed me too…”

“Hyung did? Your brother grabbed you? How dare you say that! How dare you, of all people!”

“Mom…”

“Devouring your own mother wasn’t enough for you? How dare you try to devour my precious child too!”

His mother’s rage had no room in it for anything but her own terror.

Blinded by the terror of nearly losing Yi-jeong—and perhaps by guilt that she had failed to protect him—she seemed incapable of thinking rationally.

Yi-seon could not speak. His heart seemed to stop altogether. Trembling with both palms pressed into the sand, he squeezed his eyes shut while tears streamed down his face.

“Stop it! To a young child! What is wrong with you!”

“Eonni, are you insane?! What’s wrong with you! Have you lost your mind?!”

Someone dropped a large blanket over him. Through the fabric came a stranger’s outraged voice and his aunt shouting furiously at his mother.

Hidden in the darkness beneath the blanket, Yi-seon wept without a sound. Wrapping both arms around himself did nothing to stop the shaking. It was not only the cold. He was terrified.

Amid the shock, a truth settled heavily over him. Perhaps it had never really been uncertain. For a long time, he had sensed in some wordless way that he was not his parents’ biological son.

The truth he finally confronted in late elementary school was simple.

The woman he had always called Mom was actually his aunt. He was the son of her youngest sister, who had died in an accident years ago. His biological father could not be reached; from what he was told, the man had been a rough delinquent who drifted around the streets.

The brothers had nearly drowned off the coast of Jeju, where the family had gathered to celebrate the birthday of another aunt who lived on the island.

“Devouring your own mother wasn’t enough for you? How dare you try to devour my precious child too!”

The very next day, the mother who had spat those words apologized in tears. She said she must have lost her mind for a moment, stroking the back of his hand again and again as she begged forgiveness for hurting her sweet son. Yi-seon told himself she was only human—someone who could lash out selfishly in panic and be consumed by regret once the panic passed.

Wasn’t everyone like that? People made mistakes, apologized, fought, and made up. That was what families did, Yi-seon told himself. He could breathe only if he believed that.

Yi-seon did not cry or let himself resent them. Grief and bitterness stirred deep inside, but he forced himself to look away. Anger felt like a betrayal of the parents who had raised and cared for him despite his not being their biological child.

So he said nothing and kept his head bowed. If he opened his mouth, he was afraid he would blame them—afraid he would ask the childish, impossible question lodged inside him: Why don’t you love me? He knew he was not allowed to ask that.

For days he stayed shut in the room, curled beneath the blanket like a cocoon. Beyond the door came the muted voices of his aunt and parents, subdued with worry and regret.

A few days later, Aunt Jeonghyun came in with a bowl of porridge. When Yi-seon poked only his face out from under the blanket and shook his head, she sighed and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Yi-seon-ah. Do you want to live with Auntie?”

“…Pardon?”

“Looking at the mountains, watching the ponies… Want to try living here with Auntie? I’ve been feeling so lonely lately anyway…”

She explained that after her younger sister died, she had originally wanted to take Yi-seon in. But because she had been unmarried at the time, her older sister had adopted him instead.

“When we were young, your mother—well, my older sister—was a bit jealous of your birth mom, our youngest sister. Because Father favored her so much. Though honestly, he loved all of us…”

“Did Grandpa only love my real mom…?”

Just like Mom only loved Yi-jeong hyung? Is that why Mom, carrying that lingering sorrow, ended up hating me, her sister’s child, too?

“No. It’s just that the youngest was exceptionally smart, so he paid more attention to her. Saying she needed to take over the hospital in the future. Neither your mom nor I took after Father in the brains department. But your birth mother inherited both Father’s face and his intellect.”

“…”

“You look so much like your mother, Yi-seon. Like our father too. Maybe watching you grow up to resemble her late sister more and more brought up feelings your mom never dealt with. Then the accident happened, and she lost control.”

His aunt added that her sister regretted what she had said deeply, and asked Yi-seon not to let it wound him forever.

Yi-seon was overwhelmed with confusion.

The revelation about his parents and the family history his aunt had just explained crowded painfully in his mind. They might not be his birth parents, but the thought of being separated from the people he loved as Mom and Dad filled him with panic.

Why?

It made no sense.

If they were sorry, if it had really been only a momentary lapse, why were they trying to leave him here? All he had wanted was for them to comfort him a little more, hold him a little tighter.

You said you didn’t hate me.

For the first time, he resented the face that resembled his dead mother.

Perhaps… all he had wanted was one chance to be pampered like a spoiled child. He had hoped his parents would open the bedroom door, come in, and coax him until the hurt eased. Foolishly, he had believed that if he sulked long enough, they would comfort him the way they always comforted his brother.

Living in Jeju with his aunt.

Was that the resolution everyone wanted?

Yi-seon stared blankly for so long that the bowl of porridge went cold before he finally answered.

“Yes… I’ll live here…”

Once Yi-seon said yes, everything moved quickly. In truth, half his decision had been born of wounded pride.

Hold me back, Mom.

Tell me to live with you, Dad.

If only they would say just once that they had been mistaken, that Yi-seon belonged with them after all, he was ready to nod and run straight into their arms.

Yet that single chance was never granted to Yi-seon.

❖ ❖ ❖

Haa…

Yi-seon woke at dawn drenched in cold sweat.

It was the first drowning dream he had had in ages, and his whole body ached. Even the surf drifting through the window made his head spin. He stumbled into the bathroom, and only beneath a cold shower did his senses begin to clear.

“Ah. We have to go to the pool later.”

Despite acting nonchalant in front of Yi-jeong, Yi-seon was still afraid of open water. Showers and baths were fine, but the moment he had to enter a pool, sea, or anything similar in a swimsuit, his body resisted before his mind could reason with it.

After his shower, Yi-seon opened a search bar on his phone and began typing with grim concentration.

________________________

How to overcome aquaphobia|

Recent Searches:

– What happens if you force yourself into water when you’re scared of it?

• How to enter water comfortably

________________________

Yi-seon kept searching until dawn gave way to morning. When breakfast time came, he tried to wake Yi-jeong, who was still dead asleep.

“Hyung. Wake up. Let’s go eat breakfast.”

“I just want to sleep…”

“Okay.”

Yi-seon left the exhausted Yi-jeong to sleep and called Mugyeol instead. Mugyeol was already working out in the hotel gym and said he would come to breakfast after showering.

“When on earth did he even wake up?”

Working out even at a hotel.

Impressed by Mugyeol’s discipline, Yi-seon looked down at his own forearms, then experimentally tightened his stomach. His lean build gave him a faint outline of abs, but calling them the product of exercise would have been generous.

No wonder Mugyeol was always in such good shape. Yi-seon had assumed it came naturally with being an Alpha, but apparently a great deal of work went into it. The discipline was impressive.

A short while later, Yi-seon met Mugyeol at the breakfast buffet. Yi-seon sat down with a plate loaded with greens; Mugyeol arrived moments later with a plate piled almost entirely with meat. They looked at each other’s meals and scoffed at the same time.

“Are you a goat? Eat this too.”

Mugyeol pulled the paper placemat from under his plate and slid it briskly toward Yi-seon.

“Look who’s talking. You gorilla.”

“Gorillas are herbivores, actually.”

“Fair point.”

Between bites and idle banter, Mugyeol asked about the day’s schedule. Yi-seon relayed what he had heard from Yi-jeong: the pool during the day and a sunset yacht cruise in the evening. Remembering that Mugyeol had missed yesterday’s sunset, he pulled out his phone.

“You’ll get all the sunset you want from the boat today. Come here, I’ll show you.”

Mugyeol slid over beside Yi-seon to look at the screen together. The moment the browser opened, Yi-seon’s recent searches appeared in full view.

________________________

How to overcome aquaphobia|

Recent Searches:

– What happens if you force yourself into water when you’re scared of it?

• How to enter water comfortably

________________________

Yi-seon hastily clicked away. Fortunately, Mugyeol did not seem to have noticed. Yi-seon quickly searched for photos of the dolphin sunset cruise and filled the screen with gorgeous skies instead.

“Looks like we’ll get to see the sunset today.”

“Yeah. Make sure you don’t throw another fit later and miss it.”

“As long as you behave, we’ll be fine.”

Grumbling at Yi-seon, Mugyeol returned to his seat.

Yi-seon picked at his salad and studied Mugyeol’s face for any sign that he had noticed. When none appeared, he let out a quiet breath of relief. He hated showing weakness in front of Mugyeol. Ever since they were little, Yi-seon had been the one who looked after him.

After breakfast, Yi-seon changed and headed for the pool. Through the lobby, across the garden path, and into the pool building, nervousness thudded steadily in his chest.

At the main pool, blue water opened out before him, luminous beneath the sun. Warm light shimmered over gentle ripples. It looked utterly peaceful, as though water had never swallowed anyone whole.

Yi-seon drew a deep breath and headed toward Mugyeol in the distance.

Mugyeol was sitting on the edge of the pool, wearing blue swim trunks with a Hawaiian print. His legs were submerged to the knees, and he was still wet from a recent swim.

“Come at me!”

“Eeeek!”

Armed with a toy water gun from who knew where, Mugyeol fired streams at a cluster of little kids. The children squealed from their inner tubes, paddling away before swarming back toward him with delighted shrieks.

Mugyeol laughed heartily, aiming the water gun at their tubes instead of their bodies.

Yi-seon approached slowly. Sunlight reflected off the water and flashed around Mugyeol, whose wet hair was swept back from his forehead.

His rigorously maintained, solid physique was sculpted without an ounce of superfluous fat. Transparent droplets kissed by sunlight glistened vividly against his clear skin. The stream of water trickling down his pale, firm neck evoked an impression that was simultaneously pure and strangely captivating.

“Having fun, I see.”